- 40,000 pound city transit bus
- Lazy-ass or law-breaking bus driver (see if you can find one that’s both)
- One 28-pound steel-framed sea foam green Fairdale Weekender Archer bicycle named Sophie (substitutions allowed)
- Experienced person on said bicycle, vulnerable to said buses
- Narrow traffic and bike lanes on most dangerous section of road in Austin for bikes
- Friday evening rush hour
- Big pot of history of near misses with city buses for the bicyclist
- Memory of John Anthony Diaz, a cyclist killed by same bus company (separate into two portions)
- Kettle full of road rage for the bus driver
- Add a pinch, a soupçon, or a schosche of irritating, smelly bus riders into the mix
- Pot and black kettle (purchased from the bus company merch page)
- Set the pot of near misses and the kettle of road rage to SIMMER.
- Start a timer that will point each vehicle on a trajectory that will place them side by side at the same time.
- Mix all other ingredients together. Stir very vigorously, with a lot of anger.
- As they begin to congeal, slowly pour in the other near misses, road rage and second half of the memory of John Anthony Diaz
- Move the bus right to the edge of and even a little bit inside the magically protective painted white line of the bike lane.
- It should be so close that, hypothetically, the cyclist could easily touch the bus with force if an outstretched fist to alert the bus driver that they were too close.
- Also hypothetically, the bike rider could gesture with a certain finger while yelling obscenities at the diver of the 40,000 bus.
- At a stop, the bus driver should peer through their sunglasses and pretend to ignore the bicyclist while the bike rider hypothetically holds up six fingers indicating the legal distance that 40,000 pound city transit buses are required by law to pass people on bicycles so they don’t murder said people on bikes while the cyclists, hypothetically, yells through the bus door “you know you’re wrong!”.
- Bike rider should astutely take off from the stoplight before the bus then legally occupy the center of the traffic lane, forcing the bus driver to make one of three recipe variations:
- Run over bicyclist.
- Slow down and wait for bike rider to move out of the traffic lane when it feels safe for them to do so.
- Change lanes, safely passing cyclist, as bus drivers are surely trained to do and any idiot student driver would figure out.
- Other options are for the bike rider to:
- Quickly dismount or pop a wheelie onto the curb, deftly avoiding being crushed by the bus and not hitting passengers at the bus stop, bench and so on.
- Stop and let the bus pass, reinforcing the poor decision making choices of the lazy-ass, law-breaking bus driver.
- Slow down and try to enter other lane of traffic to go around the bus during rush hour traffic, probably causing a wreck.
- The recipe is complete when either the cyclist lies mangled or dead on the road, or escapes the situation safely. Preferably the latter.
This recipe is a popular favorite in cities across America. However, it requires skill to make due to the wide variability and volatility of the ingredients. This dish can turn out to be a success or a disaster depending on the implements used. The easiest way to make this dish work well is train the bus drivers to change lanes to go around people on bicycles. Failing that, bicyclists should clock the bus number, route number, time, direction and make an incident report to the bus company. When that doesn’t work to get their lazy law-breaking ass fired, one can always raise holy hell with city council, the media, and bicycle advocacy organizations. The hope is to someday force the city to install PROTECTED bike lanes so lazy-assed, law-breaking drivers of 40,000 pound city buses don’t kill vulnerable human beings who, like in this case, are very experienced but still vulnerable due to riding 28-pound bicycles.
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