Hello?

What? Hi, who’s talking?

It is I, your Fairdale Weekender Archer bicycle sitting next to you, leaning on this pile of boxes.

Oh, really? I had no idea you – or any bicycle – could speak!

Well, I can’t. It’s really all just in your head.

Am I going crazy?

No, not at all.

Then what’s happening? What’s this about?

Well, I’ve been sitting here for a while, very patiently I might add, and I just evolved into having consciousness and telepathic ability. And I guess I’m just wondering something.

Yeah, what’s that?

OK, here goes. (Big sigh.) Why don’t you ride me anymore? Don’t you like me?

Oh! I get it! No, of course I like you. I like you a lot, actually. But it’s kind of a long story.

Like your blog, pretty wordy, amirite? Tee hee!

Hey! Watch that attitude.

OK, sorry. Please continue.

Well, I realized that the other bike, I mean woman, uh… Hey, what’s your name?

You never gave me one.

Oh, well, OK, would you like one?

Sure!

Hmm… By the way, are you a boy, girl, or non-binary?

I identify as female, not just because of my pretty sea foam green color, because color should not be gendered. It’s because I’m tough, elegant, and I float down the road like a dreamboat. And ships are still named for women.

Well, how about I call you Sophie, a kind of word play on sea foam? It also sounds like “so free,” which is how I feel when I ride you.

I like it! That’s a very nice thing for you to say, A Dude!

The newly christened Sophie, waiting to be ridden.

It’s true. But Sophie, I haven’t ridden you because that other woman…

You mean that old Japanese lady with the skinny wheels and chipped grey black paint?

Yes, the Fuji Silhouette.

What about her?

Well, I haven’t been riding you because she almost has 10,000 miles on her. And don’t tell her, but I was thinking of maybe retiring her.

And then you’d start riding me again? You know I’m very sexy with my 9 gears and one in the front, disk brakes, and I’m strong due to my chromoly steel.

Yes, exactly! Although on longer rides, I hope to get a new flat-bar road bike. First I need a paycheck, or to raise money on GoFundMe. You’re a little, you know…

I know what?

… well, you have big bones.

OMG WTF Dude! Are you kidding me? Big bones, my ass. I told you, I’m made of steel.

Yes, I know, I’m sorry! I just meant that it’s easier for me to go longer distances on a lighter bike. Because of my low power to weight ratio. It’s about me, not you.

Well, if you put it that way, I guess I forgive you.

Great! I promise, we’re going to ride again soon. Although I’m having some pains lately and I started… well, it’s hard for me to say.

What is it? You can tell me anything! Remember all those good times we had riding to train for the MS 150?

Well, I was thinking of renting you on Spinlister.

No way!

Yes, well, it would have been fun! You’d get to have other people ride you.

OK, I guess, if you say so. But hey, didn’t Spinlister go out of business?

Yes. But I had you tuned-up and cleaned up real nice, and I didn’t want to get you dirty again, and so then I was actually thinking of…

Yes, Dude? You were thinking of what?

(Whispers.) Selling you to pay rent.

(Gasps.) What? I’m so sad and mad I don’t know what to say!

But I didn’t, did I?

No, I guess not. (Long pause; brightens.) I guess I can understand that. Is there anything else you need to tell me?

Uh, erm, OK, yes. I am seeing someone else. It’s a Ford Escort.

You can’t be serious, Mr. A Dude Abikes “13 Years (Not) a Slave to Cars”!

Yes, well, if you read all of my blog posts you would know someone loaned me a car. So it might be necessary for me to stop riding bikes as much until I feel better.

Oh, well, if you put it that way.

Yes, but so far I can still ride some, I just have to take it easy until we figure out what’s going on.

Julia, formerly of Bike Austin, presents A Dude Abikes with his raffle-winning Fairdale (February 2017).

Great! So when are we going to go for a ride? Now? Can we go now? Please please please?

No, Sophie, not now. It’s late at night and dark, and although I got you a tune-up and a bath, you need air, and oil, and I need to be in the right mood. As soon as Old Fuji-san hits 10K, we’re going to go out. Maybe even sooner. I promise.

Pinky swear?

Pinky swear.

Ok, well, go back to watching your World Cup soccer. But really you should get to bed.

I know, but I love soccer. It reminds me of when I used to play when I was younger.

Good night then, Dude.

Good night to you, Sophie.

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