Hi. Your dude here. I recently griped again about that which ails me. I’m somehow but barely managing to keep biking each day, even when it’s slow to low mileage. It occurred to compile a list, a la Letterman (David), though not as amusing, but more useful. (No wives were cheated on my or interns schtupped in the making of this blog post, having neither, wife, intern, nor hit TV show.) Anyway, if you’re doing things right, you are currently still alive as you read this and so you’re aging, too. Very relatable. So, if you bike, walk, hike, run, swim, etc. you might resonate with the idea that the old bod is not able to do what it used to do (be do be do). Without further ado, and no doo doo, here’s…. Dudey!

1. The Disclaimer/Loophole: Old Person Strength. There are some active, athletic people of advanced age who seem to get stronger, fitter, and faster with each year. If you’re one of those guys or gals with exceptional genes, 2% body fat, who don’t slow down much or even speed up, good on you. If you’re not secretly on steroids or meth–a true freak of nature–have fun while it lasts.
2. Get Used to Your New Normal. That means slowing down and going fewer miles. That doesn’t mean giving up (not yet), just being realistic. Face it, you’re not a young whippersnapper full of piss and vinegar any more. It’s not your fault, it’s natural; hormones and muscle mass decrease with time. High speeds and long distances are mirages: forget about them. You can still ride hard and push yourself it you want to, but don’t worry about how fast or far you go. Enjoy your status and lean into your role as a wise old fart. And due to those farts, it’s a good thing you’re at the back of the pack.
3. Be Like Sally O’Malley. Molly Shannon auditioning for the Rockettes said, “I like to KICK, and to STRETCH, and to KICK! And I’m FIFTY!” If you can find the real joy ad fun in cycling, or whatever your activity, who’s to tell you how you should do it? Maybe you switch to mountain biking. Or you take off cross country like Half Fast Cycling Club or Rootchopper – A Few Spokes Short of a Wheel or shorter but still awesome tours like Bikepacking Northern Nevada and urban bicycle journeys to name a few of the blogs I wish I had time to read. But the point is to do what you can and want. Seriously listen to your body so you do not hurt yourself. Bodies need to warm up, stretch, ride, cool down differently. Just be sure to STRETCH.
4. Comparison is the Death of Joy. The Buddha allegedly said that. I have half a mind to sit there and do nothing and meditate on that. Except I’m too (insert adjective) to do it. But really, who cares about how your statistics look next to others? Nobody except you, that’s who! And if they do care, are they really on your side? Your days on earth are numbered, death is inevitable. Remember that when fretting over Personal Records on Strava, rankings on Zwift, and keeping up with the Joneses on group rides are overrated and low priorities. Biking should be bring you joy.
5. Emphasize Quality over Quantity. Maybe you’ve ridden a number of centuries, dozens of gran fondos, regularly smashed mileage goals, and raced even. Did you ever stop to smell the roses? Like, literally? Things look much nicer when you’re not whizzing by them at 20 mph. Do you have a friend with whom you never ride because they are slow, fat, or old? Invite them on a ride! Talk, sightsee, stop for a beverage, explore hidden paths, take pictures, have a picnic. I promise, you’ll still have fun. And you won’t get home all exhausted with road rash from wiping out or saddle sores, either.
6. Time to Talk Taint. For the male cyclists, your prostate has probably taken a proper pounding from all the pedaling. Look into getting a seat that is cut out so there’s little to no pressure on your naughty bits–especially your perineal area. Because if that bad body starts acting up, you’re going to want to relieve the pressure tout suite. For women it’s probably not much more comfortable. For anyone who’s a fathlete like A Dude, taking care of your business is important. David Bowie and Freddie Mercury even wrote a song about it: Under Pressure. So take care of things down there in your underwear.
7. Get a Recumbent. Another way to avoid the problems of cycling too much is to get one of those low-riders where you sit back. Sure, no one can really see you from a car, and you’ll probably die very soon, but remember, you’re old. What? You can’t hear me and no you don’t need hearing aids? YOU’RE OLD! If you want to live to be even older, then ride your recumbent where there are no cars. Sit back, relax, and pedal to the content of your heart, you old fart. But good luck trying to stay upright on one of those damn lowrider contraptions.
8. Ride Inside. Why not get a stationary bicycle? Or go to the gym. A Peleton is for the rich, but any sort will do. Even a stand you fit your bike into will work. Then you can sit and spin whilst watching your favorite television program. (I love this hilarious show that’s on a lot of TV stations right now. An angry large orange man (maybe a mutant Oompa Loompa from Willy Wonka?) sits in court and looks mad and later says it’s too cold and all kinds of crazy shit. Like how he’s going to be a fascist leader when elected the next president of the United States, which he already was once and thinks he still is. Wacky schtuff!) You will live longer doing inside rides, though: no cars.
9. Go Electric. E-bikes are all the rage. Prices have come down, selection has come up, and they’re more a thing now. You can even get rebates. Some still require some pedaling, so even though you’re cheating and basically have gone over to the dark side. Face it, you’re riding a motor(ized)cycle. But hey, you’re old, so haters can go suck it. (Check out my post, Why I Hate E-Bikes / E-bike Might Also Be OK.)
10. Or…Just Give Up! Things will go so much easier if you accept the inevitable. Get off the horse before she throws you. Resign your (seat) post, and ride that recliner like nobody’s business. You can catch all the grand tours and other professional rides you missed while riding. Sure, you’re body will try to trick you into going to ride, but don’t give in. Just give up! (I’m kidding, but you may have to stop one day.)

Well, that’s a wrap. Hopefully not on your swollen aching knees. Take care out there and beware. Ride or die becomes the latter some day. May it not be soon, and may you enjoy the journey until it does.

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