The former improv comic at Esther’s Follies said this to me without missing a beat. It was right after I had gone on and on about how much I loved cheese. Here in the Southern, predominantly Christian area of the US, that joke is extry hee-larry-us. Because, Jesus. Chees-us. Get it? Got it? Good. The same jokester once handed me a small piece of wood and said, “Feeling a little bored?” Which is also a great pun, but only relates to this post because cheese is often served on one. Anywho, I’ve had a lifelong love of the creamy stuff. And now cheese gets its own blog. Hey bicycles! If you don’t like it, you can suck it!

Cheese and I go way back. Or shall I say whey back? I’ve mostly chewed, not eschewed cheese. That is, except for the periods when I was a vegan (the attempt a few years ago leading to anemia). Sometimes I have it more than others. I’ve never had the budget for the fancy stuff. There’s a cheese shop in town here in Austin, but I have never dared to go in; I might not ever leave. Or ask for a job. They call them cheesemongers. Butt like sex, even the cheap cheese is still yummy, delicious, somewhat nutritious.

Although right now, I’m enjoying a nice smoked Gouda (though still cheap) with some tart Granny Smith apple slices. C’est fantastique! It’s from a town in the Netherlands. I think of cheese in the way Rebecca does about peanut butter. She asked me what peanut butter is good on. I said something boring like cracker. Her reply? “A SPOON!” Cheesy, right? Cheese is good on many things. Bread a la grilled cheese, of course, pizza and so on (though I’ve given up all the other flours), vegetables, hamburgers, nachos and really any Mexican food, quiche, casseroles, etc. The thing that cheese is best on though is… the tongue!

Of course, there are a few drawbacks to cheese. Like how it’s used in the way that means “not so funny, inauthentic, or maybe trying too hard.” But you can still like something if it’s cheesy. And after things age, years later they often seem cheesy. Some things are cheesy no matter how you slice it. Take the president’s horrible comb over hair. Pure cheesiness, there’s just no way around it. I suppose cholesterol would be a downside. And I get that for the anti-milking crowd, it’s a no-no, bad for the environment, bad for cows, bad for humans, etc. But they still loved cheese so much they created cashew cheese. Ever have cashew cheese? That’s not my cheese, and I hope it’s nacho cheese, either.

Also, cheese has a reputation for being fatty and making you fat. And too much of a good thing can do that. But did you know, according to a Healthline article, that some varieties have CLA, a substance which can actually help in weight loss? Back when I was dieting, I managed to have small portions of cheese and really enjoy them. Despite biking, or riding my bicycle, or bike, or being a cyclist who does eat cheese, I haven’t lost weight. But hey, don’t judge me, ok? Or the cheese. I’m biking 20 miles a day every day.

In the end, there’s just one thing I really am looking for.in life: I want someone to eat cheese with. Which by the way is the title of a cute little film with comedians Jeff Garlin and Sarah Silverman. Sarah won’t take my calls so my cheese card is currently open. Maybe Brie Larsen is single and has ROOM for me in her mansion? But assuming the celebrity girlfriend plan doesn’t work out, I hope to some day soon win the lottery and be able to afford the better cheeses. Life is too short to eat bad cheese.

Well, that’s all for now. Except here are some pictures of celebrities with their names turned into cheese puns and the corresponding cheese matched to their face. Oh, que, so, have you had enough of queso?

Do you have a friend in cheeses?

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