Cyclist Concocts Clever Coronavirus Comedy

While we while away the days in semi-sheltered states during the worldwide whirlwind of a punishing pandemic, A Dude is still doing his daily walking, biking, yogaing, and writing, which take hours and are a lot of work that I’m not being compensated for. I’m waiting for work or illness to begin (hopefully not the latter). So while there’s not a lot going on regarding all my daily habits and activities, except that I keep doing them. they do all relate to the one topic at the top of everyone’s mind: health. “Laughter is the best medicine,” it’s said. To which I add, “…except for real medicine.”

I’m not a doctor, but some people have said that I’m funny. So here are some attempts at making you laugh, chuckle, guffaw, smile or yuk it up. You can read my previous attempts here, here and here, This is best read aloud in front of a crowd of semi-drunk people. If it’s just you, and you are allowed to have a few adult beverages, then you can read this in front of a mirror for a similar effect to a comedy club. I own my own comedy club, actually. It’s a bat with the words “Ha Ha Ha!” written on them. Just kidding. Let’s proceed.

Flag of Togo

The flag of Togo.

It’s a great time for the Togolese Republic (République togolaise), a tiny West African nation of 8 million people. Their food has somehow become an overnight sensation in America. Apparently, the US has developed a craving for millet, cassava, yam, plantain, and – wait for it – the best part of their cuisine is… bush meat! Everywhere I go on my bicycle where they’re serving food from this country, because I keep seeing all these signs for Togo.

To cheer myself up from all the bad news about COVID-19, and because my regular zombie show The Walking Dead is on hiatus, I decided to start watching the pre-quel companion show. Fear the Walking Dead began filming in my area of Austin, Texas at some point, too. I figured I could learn some things that might help if coronavirus ever morphs into flesh-eating bacteria. And who knows if it’s possible? Conservatives have been demanding to re-open restaurants and other non-essential businesses to help save the failing economy. But they’re doing it before health officials deem it to be safe, which is bonkers. So if a zombie apocalypse ever happens, being a member of the Republican party might actually be a good thing. That’s because zombies eat brains, and the GOP is showing that it clearly has none, so they’ll be safe. BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO BRAINS!

Mullets! Source: People magazine

Lots of people during this pandemapocalypse have been unable to get personal care services like massages, nail treatments and haircuts. Now that some rules are being loosened, I’ve been considering getting my locks trimmed, because it’s getting a bit shaggy. Then again, I’ve thought about just “letting my freak flag fly.” Maybe I’ll just shave it on the sides, since that’s cooler for when I’m out biking and wearing my helmet. So it’s either risk getting a deadly virus by going to a barbershop or having an ugly/hilarious haircut like Joe Dirt or that Tiger guy. I guess I’m going to have to mull it over.

While I bike around and take my daily half hour walk, I often come across people not wearing face masks. It’s technically not required in Texas anymore, although it’s obviously still a good idea because the invisible disease continues infecting and killing people globally. Why people don’t do this or keep a physical distance of at least six feet makes me sad. Things are bad all over, and our neighboring country to the south is one we don’t hear about much. If I decide to go to Mexico, I’d definitely be sad about it. I would dress like a caballero, ride a horse, fight for justice, and design my face covering to have a skull mask and tears on it. That way I’d be wearing a mask of Zorrow.

Buy the t-shirt here

Speaking of Spanish-speaking countries, one big part of this whole shebang has been quarantines. Being locked down in your house, not being able to see friends, hug family members, or go about your normal activities has a big impact on people’s mental health. Some people go absolutely bonkers and do crazy stuff, like buy a Ricky Martin CD and play it on repeat. You could say they are living CoVida Loca. (OK, I didn’t invent that phrase but don’t remember where I heard it either.)

One lesser known group impacted by the virus are followers of the Pope. They haven’t been able to go to services or receive any of the rites and rituals practiced in their faith. At the same time, devout Christians with feline pets have been discouraged from being too close with their furry friends. Especially if you’re extremely close with your friends. It turns out, cats can get and transmit corona, too. So it’s really not a good time to be a catlicker. (If you’re a devout believer in this religion, you’ll have to forgive me.)

I wonder if Bruce Wayne is rethinking his whole brand identity right about now? Because if he goes out wearing that cape and hood, Batman might get his ass kicked. (If I have to ‘splain that to you, never mind.)

46th President  Of The United States Nancy Pelosi Madam President Pink T-Shirt Front
Order yours today!

Speaking of masks, future ex-President of these United States, #45, Tinyhands Orangehead, recently toured a mask factory — WITHOUT WEARING A MASK. That’s a joke right there. But also, en a personal valet for POTUS came down with COVID-19, as has the Vice President’s press secretary. And the Speaker of the House is third in line of succession should the Prez and the Veep happen to die while in office. President Pelosi has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Then I guess the joke would be on them. And that’s no laughing matter.

Well, that’s what I’ve got on short notice. And even this took a long time to do. I probably won’t get hired to write comedy for TV anytime soon, but one never knows. OK, I do. I would say that I’ll keep my day job, except as I said, I don’t have one at the moment. Except to be A Dude, just slackin’, wise crackin’ and releasin’ the Kraken. Til next time; toodles!

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