Austin, Texas — The Mayor, in cahoots with the chief of Public Health (aka the SARS Czar is requiring residents to Shelter in Place starting today, but just for two weeks. (Yeah, right!) It’s also known as staying the fuck home, a curfew, being on lockdown with a few exceptions, and martial law lite (New! With scary virus features!) But because of a silent but deadly killer (no, not farts, it’s coronavirus), the land of the free and the home of the brave is having a major hissy fit. Some are asking what it all means to cancel everything including our Bill of Rights. Really, ‘merikuh? Suspend the US Constitution? WTF?

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This social distancing of six feet wasn’t working so now we have to use 10-foot poles. (We’re out of tall Czechs.) Staying home will allegedly “flatten the curve” of infections so that hospitals are not overrun. But they will be anyway we’re told, and it’s going to be a major catastrophe. Some celebrities may not even be able to get plastic surgery for a while! Gasp! Don’t get me wrong, SARS-COVID-19 is a serious disease. But as comedian Patton Oswalt said in a show to no one from his front porch, “I missed the first 18.”

The lockdowns are causing an unprecedented economic meltdown, but we’re told they are required to save our lives. Partisans in Congress bicker about how to save the economy by sending billions to business and $600-$1,200 to individuals (the latter will cover exactly one month of rent in Austin.) Meanwhile, the draconian response to the virus by health departments — which have wide police powers — have already caused massive unemployment and financial hardship. Bandaids like two month delay in evictions won’t help long-term. In the coming months, the suffering may well be something not seen in a century since the Great Depression. So yeah, lock it all down and just print more money. The debt won’t matter because we’ll all be dead by the time the bill is due. If anyone’s grandkids are left alive, let them pay.

Yes, I know, many people including the elderly, homeless, and immigrants have become very sick and thousands have died. Also, ugly, fat, single, unemployed people, carnies especially clowns, die-hard fans of action movies and boy bands have all been targeted for are all at high risk of becoming infected and passing it on without even knowing. That is all from a really, very, seriously bad science fiction movie plot which our leaders are writing as we speak. But there’s more! The vast majority of people who get the CViddies will … wait for it!… it’s really quite surprising how horrible and insidious this virus is… tell the audience what they’ve won, Johnny! That’s right! It’s a cough and fever, maybe some aches and pains. That’s it.

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Remember the good old days in early March 2020 two weeks ago? Hulu, Netflix and Disney + were diversions, not a lifeline to sanity. Toilet paper was cheaper than gold. People had jobs and actual social lives. Places where people brought you food. Remember? You’ll be able to tell your grandchildren that we used to have civil liberties to do things like, I dunno, protest the government taking away our civil liberties. So, kiss and hug your cherished freedoms to speech, assemble, religion, press (someone tell the president). Don’t worry about elections, they’ve been “postponed.” Stuff like the right to go to habeas corpus and a fair trial by jury — who really needs that, amirite, Uncle Sam? It’s probably all socialist, anyway.

There’s also the poo-poohed but still vitally important American rights to:

• shop til you drop — mostly for crap you don’t need
• get a massage, haircut, mani and pedi, blowout, piercing, tattoo
• bike, walk, run, paddle etc. your fat American ass around
• buy food so you can eat and not die from starvation
• build stuff like an Air BnB so you can get that BMW/Audi/Benz
• send your kids go to re-education camp (I mean, public schools)
• take them to practice, shows, rehearsals, play dates, parties, games
• go see your purveyor of unlicensed pharmaceuticals for a little pick-you-up (the guy in my hood goes by the name of Lil’ Pharma)
• escape to that underground club for Spaniards and Mexicans (that’s what Steve Martin said S & M is on one of his instructional albums)
• and maybe go anywhere you fucking want to, because it’s the United States of America. Chant with me: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So yeah, just pretend like it’s the last time you’ll ever see those rights, at least in the form we’re used to, because everythings fine. Nothing to see here. Or, it may very well be that this shit just got real – the real real. If not forever, for a good long while. We’ll see if the rights come back. Once taken away so easily, will they be completely restored and even enhanced? This Dude for one is not holding his breath.

And to think it all started because of a bad batch of Corona beer someone that used to wash down some tainted bat gazpacho, or something like that I heard about. The future ex-President said it was not a concern for two months, and that guy has so much truthiness I even believe his orange skin and hairdo are real. Screw it, I’m going on a bike ride while I still can. Don’t taze me, bro!

Goodbye, America, nice knowing you.

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